artyrian 2023-09-11 04:52:35

Judge Comment: A short story that partially utilizes a second-person perspective is a rare breed to find. I think this story is quite interesting in its style and above all paints a nice picture. Part of that is due to the framing as when I am told that I have just read something life changing I give it greater thought. With this piece in particular though I felt as though the actual poem part proved a bit messy for me. The inconsistent rhyme scheme with the consistent quatrains pulled me out of the content probably a bit more than was intentional. And the actual meter of the poem left me wanting. I think it could have been powerful to intentionally cause this effect as the poem was ending to emulate the fact that the remaining content is missing, but with it being present throughout it gave me some trouble. However, the content is grand and the actual story is relayed well so you shouldn’t feel too bad! It was unique in form and concept so well done there! Thanks for the piece!

Intrapath 2023-09-21 09:48:30

I agree with Artyrian's thoughts as far as the poem's rhythm and rhyming pattern goes. I also agree, though, that the second-person perspective was a really cool choice! As for the story itself, I liked how it touched upon a truly realistic perspective on safety. All the time, in stories, songs, etc., you'll hear artists talk about how bold and romantic it is to go on adventures with reckless abandon and live in the moment without any fear of consequences, but really, how many of us do that? How many of us even *need* to do that? I felt like the line "Tread carefully, there is no risk worth taking to cause fatality" was an effective summary of the writer's whole perspective. No point in going on adventures so risky, there's a chance you won't get to go on any more adventures after that, eh?